Wildflowers

Unlike a rose, the wildflower's birth is not celebrated. Neither is its withering mourned. Its not expected to look 'Oh, so beautiful!' and not expected to smell 'Oh, so nice!' Its not sought after to grace living rooms and banquet tables. Yet, it blooms under the sun, fed by earth and rain. It lives for itself and dies unnoticed in namelessness of the wilderness. To be a wildflower or even the blade of grass by the riverside!

Worthless

The young fellow who cleans our cars came for his salary this morning. When I asked him his name, he said it hesitantly, in a low voice as though he was apologizing to me for his very existence on earth. And I thought of the irony of it. So convinced are we of our worthlessness, so brainwashed are we that we must do this, be that, for our lives to be 'worthwhile'. All our lives, we seek our worth in another's love, possessions, achievements and so on. We are kings in garbs of beggars, forgetful of our truth. We are uncut diamonds, convinced that we are pieces of coal, destined to be ashes.

Winning and Losing

What do I lose when I lose? What do I gain when I win?
For what do I undertake the arduous ascent and the inevitable desolate descent
from the pinnacle?
What do those few fleeting moments on the pinnacle give me? 
Why does this voice in my head tell me I MUST win? Where did this voice come from?
Is it the voice of the child I was, telling me, in fear ill concealed, WIN or no one will love you? You do not deserve to be loved otherwise.
For that is what the child was told, over and over, again and again.Not in so many words but yes, the message was conveyed, loud and clear. Your worth lies only in your winning.
But I am this child no more.
I will keep aside the tyranny of victory. I will embrace the freedom of losing.
For today, I know that in losing, I lose nothing, but the fear of losing love.

New Normal

i had asked her how she coped, the young wife of a man dying of cancer. She said to me that they no longer thought of normalcy. For them, every day was a new normal. Sometimes, I find myself thinking of what she said. What causes us pain is not the situation but what we compare it with. If we treat each day as a new normal, where is the pain?

Worshiping Goddesses !

Was thinking of how we women of the eastern states grow up worshiping images of heavily armed women astride lions, tigers, killing demons. We also hugely love and worship the image of a woman standing on her husband's chest, wearing a garland of severed heads, holding a head in her hand. Wondering how it impacts our psyches ! 
* for one thing, we love fighting our own battles and we don't really look at men as our rescuers! 

Who Am I

At the workshop yesterday, we were given materials and asked to express creatively, 'who I am' personally and professionally. I found it really hard as I could not find any symbol or metaphor which could describe me. Everything felt small, finite, limiting. I also could not find metaphors for my work, could say nothing except that my work is a spontaneous outpouring and expression of my being. I felt the odd one out in that room for some time but I also think that my phase of "doing nothing' is finally paying off  .

Connection

At a workshop today, I was making small talk with the new acquaintance sitting next to me, when this woman walked up, said "Excuse me!" and just hugged me close for a few seconds,stroked my head, squeezed my hand and left. I had met this woman, in another workshop about a month ago and in our brief conversation over lunch, we had found some common ground. I felt moved , overwhelmed by this unexpected, spontaneous display of affection. I met many people today, but at the end of the day, I find those few moments of love, expressed so freely, without any inhibition, still wrapped around me, keeping me warm. She made all the barriers we build around ourselves look so fake and flimsy. There is nothing as beautiful as pure human connection.

I Am A Story !

We seem to have an insatiable appetite for stories. After the basic necessities, stories seem to be what we live on. Movies, books, news,TV serials whatever. Or "You know what happened today?" Does this fascination for stories exist because I am a story myself? All the attributes of name, gender, looks, traits, all the details of my life events. What are they but elements of a story? We love embellishing our stories, constantly adding details.
Within me, sits the storyteller. Nameless, timeless, attributeless.When this 'story' dies, it will begin another. A chain of stories and all chains interconnected in a gigantic, mind-boggling web. That is what we are. Stories in love with stories.

Imagination Reclaimed

As a child, I believed in fairies. A light green patch of grass in the midst of dark green, meant a fairy had been visiting that spot. I believed my dolls to be real people till I was about sixteen and carried them, by turns, in my coat pockets for outings. In fact, one of them had accompanied me to my college hostel, was given baths and was made much of by the girls. And then, I began losing this gift of imagination. I had to live in the 'real' world and 'grow up'. But now, in my fifth decade, I find myself reclaiming this inherent power, this important faculty. I create worlds in my mind and who can say they are not 'real'? What is 'reality' by the way? Just a matter of perception. Your reality is not the same as mine, can never be. I can see a forest in a tree, leaf or flower.A mountain in a stone. I can go anywhere, meet anyone, whenever, wherever. I have found the lost key to the magical kingdom of childhood.

The Making Of Me

I was reading of method acting in which an actor painstakingly creates a character with all its fine nuances. Its a difficult process to create a character and sustain its authenticity, credibility over a period of time. And I think, that is what I have been doing for so many years. Over time, I have created a persona for myself, with her likes, dislikes. opinions, quirks. I have made definitions and descriptions for myself. I work so hard to sustain this persona. I argue so fiercely, get angry, sad, fearful whenever these definitions are threatened or challenged. I am momentarily happy whenever they are endorsed by people around me. This is so much effort. Its time to dismantle her, I feel and see what waits behind. 

Being Myself

Why is being myself the most difficult thing in the world when it should be the easiest? Its child's play, actually. But then, I'm told to edit myself.The world tells me to do so as others might not be on the same page, may not understand or relate to me. And that would be an impolite imposition. To be accepted as a considerate, good member of society, I must tailor my expression to suit another'slevel of understanding, interests, beliefs, all of which is at best, an assumption on my part. I wonder whether this curtailing is worthwhile. I am a unique manifestation of the absolute in this world. I am here to experience myself, know myself, express myself, be myself. So I am what I am. Those who relate to me will remain close. Those who won't will move away. What say?

A World Of Magic

I am fortunate to have a magician friend. And it fascinates me to hear stories of famous magicians, of their skill, dedication and ability to entertain people by confounding them. And I think of this world. I think of the sky and the ocean which appear blue when they are colourless. I think of Quantum physics telling us that we are made of emptiness, that all the different forms we see are just the same atoms arranged differently. We are all being confounded by the master magician. And the day I know that magician, the world will become a place for entertainment.

Growing up !

Nowadays, when I hear the term 'growing up years' I think do we ever stop growing? Maybe the body stops gaining height but then it changes constantly. And we grow in so many other ways. I find that this fifth decade in my life is the time when I am growing the fastest. It appears as though in all the previous decades, I was caught up in the flow and was just experiencing life. And now, the pace having slowed down, its time for assimilation and revelations. These are my real growing up years 

Healing

So pain heals.Tissues grow and fuse. Brokenness comes together to be whole again. All I have to do is to hold that brokenness in the warmth of my being with care. At its own time and pace, healing happens. Like everything else in nature, it cannot be hurried even by one moment. I learn that with its flesh, blood and bone, my body belongs to nature and follows its eternal rules. Somewhere, its good to be reminded of that. Gives peace.
#LessonLearntFromABrokenToe

Mirrors

I find a mirror on the wayside and see a beautiful reflection of me. I fall in love with the mirror and the reflection. I mourn the breaking of the mirror. I regret the loss of the reflection. And in darkness of my grief I never realize that I am the beauty that was being reflected. Its as simple and as stupid as that.
* * * * *
I stand in the hall of thousand mirrors and from where it stands, each mirror reflects me differently. I stand lost, bewildered. Darkness falls. In aloneness, I see myself in my own light. And I need mirrors no longer..
And that is why darkness, aloneness and breaking of mirrors is of much importance in our lives.

Robin Williams

Since yesterday, I have been reading on my Fb page, so many heart felt tributes to Robin Williams. I don't recall such an outpouring of love and grief happening for any other celebrity death in recent times.
And I am wondering what if he had known of this? What if he could have felt in his moments of deep despair and worthlessness, this love which was there for him? 
Yesterday, a very new friend of mine, said to me some good things she felt about me. After the initial surprise, I now find her words wrapped around me like a warm comforter. And I am sure glad she did not let the newness of our relationship, the awkwardness of unfamiliarity stop her from saying those good things to me.
Let's not fear stop us from saying what we really feel about others. Lets speak out our genuine feelings of love and appreciation. These words matter. They can do magic to another human being. They can maybe transform and save lives.

A Stranger Visits

So the doorbell rang and a stranger breezed in. She lives down the corridor, she said. Had moved in a year ago. She had heard about me from my husband, who is very involved in apartment activities and had decided to meet me. I was a little taken aback, for these days, this kind of behavior is almost unheard of. We don't really make time to meet our unknown neighbours. But it literally felt as though a fresh, fragrant breeze had blown into my home.Her warmth, her offer of friendship cheered me up. Life is about relationships. Some are born, some die out. To just stay open to them when they come and to allow the connection to take its own course is enriching.

On Drama

"Don't get caught in the drama." But the drama is the reason I am here, incarnated. Drama is what happens around me every moment, day and night. I'm here for the drama and a part of me will flow along with it, laughing, crying, fearful, angry, remorseful, hopeful. And another part of me watches the drama and slowly understanding the unreality of it, learns how to live in this transient world. I learn that the world, however imperfect it might appear to be, is in reality a perfect laboratory. Every condition ie gender, religion, economic/social status, ability, disability etc and every situation is a chosen one. Chosen in order to generate an experience which I had wanted to undergo in this mortal dimension. Death is merely a cue for exit. And when at last, I see the perfection of this laboratory, the marvelous precision of the drama, acceptance is born, outrage dies.My engagement in the drama becomes progressively lesser and more conscious. I become the observer, awestruck, enthralled, at peace.

Wild Ones

They fascinate me these days. Those plants that grow in the vacant patch of land on the other side of the boundary wall.Those we call 'weeds' because we have no use for them. On this side of the wall are plants purchased from the nursery, carefully tended by a team of gardeners, watered, manured, protected from hungry animals. And on the other side, the wild ones grow, unwanted, unnoticed, uncared for. And yet, they thrive, flourish in a display of tenacious will power, voracity for life.That patch of land is lush, green, teeming with life.

Tamarind Tree

I watch the seasons blend seamlessly on the tamarind tree. Winter, spring, summer. The leaves change colour from yellow-green to progressively darker shades. Flowers change into fruits. A continuing process. One never knows when spring ends, summer begins, winter comes. From dawn to dusk, birds come and go. I hear so many different bird calls. They rest a while in shade and leave. They might return or they might not. The tamarind tree stands rooted, open in love.

Feeling Happy

This morning, when I woke up and looked out of the window, I saw an eagle and a crow sitting next to each other companionably on a coconut frond. They sat there for some time and when a gust of wind moved the frond they both flew off simultaneously in the same direction. Unlikely friends! I saw this the first thing in the morning and it made me happy ! 

Dead skin renewed

untruths sloughed 
dead skin discarded
glistening living truth

~ Rwits 
was thinking of how the snake's moulting symbolizes life as we continually move to deeper layers of truth discarding old ones in the process. Also interestingly, the snake is a symbol for Kundalini shakti or the primal life force in us.

The Bull On The Road

India is much maligned for her chaotic traffic conditions. But somehow I love those cattle on the roads. The other day, near the HAL bus stop, I saw this handsome, reddish-brown bull sitting in the classic Nandi pose, front legs folded, eyes closed, completely immobile. He was a picture of stillness and tranquility in the middle of crazy, honking traffic. He couldn't care less for what was going on around him. I stared at him for as long as I could and it stilled something within me. And its a picture I have stowed away in my mind to be treasured.

STHREE Launch

Attended the launch of STHREE, a support group for breast cancer survivors, patients, caregivers in Bangalore. The guest of honour was a woman IG of police. She was introduced as an iconic woman achiever of exemplary courage.She spoke of how she had to overcome some fears in order to be accepted in a male dominated field. There were women survivors and patients present. Heads covered with scarves they spoke, among other things, of how hair loss reduced their confidence to be present in public places. I wondered about different types of courage needed to fight human battles. I found all those women, fighting long drawn out battles inside their bodies, equally if not more courageous than the woman IGP. Unsung heroes, each one of them.
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I was with some breast cancer survivors recently. I heard them speak. They were ordinary women in the sense that none of them were extraordinary achievers in the way the world defines achievement. What I noticed in them was zest, the excitement of being alive. They had come close to losing life and now just being alive was a gift to be happy about. They had to keep coming for followups. Not one day was to be taken for granted.
And I think why is just being alive not enough for me? Why do I think I need to achieve something or be this 'perfect being' in order to justify my existence? What is this 'achievement' anyway in this ever changing transient world? And what is 'perfection'? I am the sum total of attributes, some 'bad' some 'good'. And their combination make me who I am.Who knows trying to change something 'undesirable' might change something 'desirable' that I might regret? So I think its best to accept myself as a package deal, to love myself for who I am. And express myself without inhibitions or fear. I will no longer edit myself for people who are not comfortable with who I am. Take me in entirety or leave me. I will live my life.

On Father's Day

Across the distance of decades, we view our parents differently. My father bought us story books every month. He had bought books for us even before I could read.Shakespeare, classics, fairy tales. Our home was full of books.Though we were middle class people, we subscribed to 3 children's magazines and 2 magazines for grownups. He read us bedtime stories. He made me read the newspapers from a very early age. He pushed me to study well and rewarded me with books every time I got good marks in a subject.When I was in 2nd Std, he would give me translation assignments from Hindi to English in summer hols. I love translating now! He was an artist and he encouraged me to paint. He gave me the love for words and a childhood hugely enriched by literature and appreciation for art. And as a young girl, I never knew whether I was pretty or ugly, fair or dark because it was never mentioned. It was never considered important by my father. I never learnt to evaluate myself on looks alone. And I can see now that this was an unusual upbringing for a girl in this part of the world. And that I have been fortunate in many ways.

Mixed Feelings

My maid spoke of how, while coming to work today she had witnessed something sad. A poor couple from Bengal had travelled to Whitefield in order to collect 25 thousand rupees for the treatment of their 5 year old cancer patient son and were returning. In the overcrowded bus, the man never knew when he was pick pocketed. He and his wife wept. All the people in the bus contributed whatever they could.My maid gave 100 rupees.Was thinking of how that couple experienced ugliness and beauty of human nature at the same time and how they would have felt.

A poem by Rajesh Joshi

तो तुम नहीं आए ,
वोह जो क़दमों की आहट ,
आती रही मेरे पीछे ,
वोह जो दिल पे थी दस्तक ,
तुम्हें पाउंगी सामने ,
जब खोलूंगी दरवाज़ा ,
वह जो था खुशबू भरा इक झोंका ,
और वोह जो था गीत ,
' तेरी हथेली से मिलती हैं जा कर ,
मेरे हाथ की अधूरी लकीरें ....',
लगा गुनगुनाया तुमने ;

सब वेहम थे मेरे ,
भ्रम थे मेरे ,
मेरे दिल की थी आरज़ूएं ,
मेरे मन की थी जूस्तजूएं ,
ज़िंदगी के मारुथळ में ,
इक मरुद्वीप बनाया मैंने ;

जानती थी कहीं न कहीं ,
तुम नहीं आओगे ,
न जाने क्या खोज रही थी ,
किसे खोज रही थी ,
जन्मों से ,
युगों से ,
सदियों से ,
तुम मिले तो लगा ,
तुम्हें ही खोज रही थी ;

नहीं , मुझे नहीं मिलना अगले जन्म ,
मुझे नहीं ख़रीदनी एक और आरज़ू ,
एक और जुस्तज़ू ,
नहीं करना कोई इंतज़ार ,
नहीं जन्मना फिर से ,
इक तिश्नगी के साथ ;

मैं दे दूँगी आहुति ,
रुखसती से पहले ,
हर ख्वाब की ,
हर तड़प की ,
हर इंतज़ार की ,
हर आरज़ू की ,
हर जुस्तजू की ;

कि मुझे अब कभी नहीं मिलना तुम से .........
****************************************
~~~~~~~~raj~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mother's Day

I was about 11 years old then and a kid in the playground had taunted me about my crooked teeth and my dress. I went to my mother with my distress. She said to me that when someone talked like that it meant that they were poor in their thinking and values. Poverty is not only lack of money but can manifest in many other ways.I must feel compassion for such people and not anger. This was a life lesson which I have never forgotten. 
Thank you Ma, for being who you were for that has made me who I am today.

******************************
I've been reading many posts on Mother's Day glorifying a mother's unselfishness, sacrifice etc.I beg to differ. Most women become mothers because they want to become mothers. At least, I did. I wanted it because I wanted to learn how to love, how to really feel with intensity. And the two beings who came into my life taught me just that.With them, through the years, I discovered new dimensions of my own being, found more richness and depth.I did it all for myself really, because I wanted to. I learnt attachment with them and I learnt letting go. Two major life lessons. And now I learn, one does not necessarily have to go through the biological birthing process to be a mother.Its that part of a human which nurtures, holds, loves, lets go. We all have a mother in us.

My AAP Posts

Do ideas die ? I wondered after attending the AAP Women's Wing kick off meeting, yesterday. Motley group of about 40 women of varied ages and backgrounds. We were introducing ourselves and speaking about why we joined AAP. The women spoke with passion and most said that they were drawn to AAP because of its emphasis on truth, honesty. These are the values they cherish and see disappearing from public life. They teach these values to their children and want them to see these in the world outside not just in their homes.And so they are with AAP. I hardly heard anyone mentioning the names of Arvind Kejriwal or any other AAP leader. I was one of the few who did.

AAP speaks about decentralization of power, of giving power to people. AK says its your battle, you have to fight. I could see this at work in the AAP meeting. When future plans were being discussed, no major leader's names were mentioned.I do not mean to imply lack of respect or regard for the leaders. I mean to say that the inspiration, the josh was being sourced from the idea of AAP, not the personalities in AAP.

Many of these were women who had been dragged by police during rallies and protests and had been hurt. They had travelled to Banaras and slogged. They had done door to door canvassing in slums. And less than 48 hours after a disappointing result, they were full of enthusiasm.

I see the media still attacking AAP, trying to discredit AAP leaders. And I wonder whether it will succeed. For the idea of AAP is much bigger than the leaders of AAP. People can be discredited and killed. Ideas cannot. 
May 19th
Attended the AAP Women's Wing's kickoff meeting in Bangalore, today morning
Considering the election results, I had half-expected to see a handful of morose women trying to cheer each other up. I found a group of nearly forty women ranging from a nuclear physicist in her seventies to young women in their twenties.Lawyers, doctors, teachers, trainers, corporate workers. Some of them recounted their experiences of volunteering and we saw that whatever the election results, they had all found a groundswell of support and goodwill for AAP, in common folk, in the police personnel, counting officers, even in BJP and Congress workers.They all know AAP is the future. I sensed no despondence of 'defeat'. Those experienced in politics said that we had too little time to prepare this time and considering this we had done well enough. There was palpable enthusiasm in the room as plans were discussed to prepare for the coming BBMP elections.So AAP moves on. Cheers!!
May 18thWell, I will not do the done thing and say that I respect and welcome the people's verdict. This will not be my truth and I am no hypocrite. The results have truly disappointed and dismayed me. I see this verdict as the success of a unprecedented , massive and sustained marketing campaign. The relentless selling of one man as the solution to all problems. Huge unaccounted money has been poured into this campaign and a dream has been sold. There was no open debate or discussion about this dream.The purveyor was not ready for it.And I don't see the euphoric media asking any questions about who funded this campaign and why. I see many of the same people back in parliament, only under a different party's name. I saw a biased and compromised media in these elections and am afraid it will get worse. I fear we may have to deal with more opaqueness from the govt now and it will be harder to know the truth.I agree that this elections have been historic in many ways. Indians were asked to vote for just one man and ignore the credentials of candidates. This is clear subversion of the democratic process.Democracy has been 'modified' and India will now get the taste of what person-centred, corporate sponsored democracy is like.
May17th
I can see one fallout of this historic election. That in the coming days, if and when a MP is caught indulging in criminal or corrupt activities, Indians who voted for him/her will not be able to say, "But we had no alternative, no choice." There WAS a choice this time, to vote for a clean candidate. AAP had made sure of that.
And also it might be a little embarrassing to say, "This system is so corrupt, so impossible. Why can't someone do something about it?" Someone did try their level best. AAP did. 
So this was AAP's achievement this time. To take away a few of the excuses.
May16th
I would say let's not begin questioning and condemning all decisions made by AAP. We are just a year old, with meagre resources and hardly any organisational structure.We have fought on a very uneven field, against parties established for decades, against unlimited money-powered media campaigns, against a biased media. We challenged existing political concepts and were messengers of completely new ideas of how Indian politics should and could be. We fought well. We have made our mark and have won good will if not many votes. Our leadership's decisions have brought us here. So let's stand with them now and show our trust and support to them. AAP ROCKS !!!
May16th
To raise one's voice for truth, to use one's abilities to work for truth, aligns one with one's own source, one's soul. And then a strange joy, a deep satisfaction rises from within, which cannot be compared to any other joy in the world. It is this which motivates thousands of AAPians as they work for no monetary rewards, in grueling conditions, far from the comforts of their homes and families. And it is this which reflects in their faces, their voices and is far more powerful than propaganda powered by money. These people are making history.
May9th

I am amazed and moved by what is happening in Varanasi. Indians of all ages, faiths, from all corners of the country have congregated there. They are spending hours in the summer heat, living in hardship, going door to door or helping by doing whatever they can. Its a celebration of unity, of the spirit of India. A force has risen against the old oppressive system of money power, corruption, divisiveness on caste/community/religious lines. This cannot ever be defeated. I am happy to be witnessing this though I REALLY wish I could be there!
May7th
Today's TOI looks like a BJP mouth piece. Modi graces frontpage and his opinion on number of seats Congress is going to win, makes headlines. Modi sprawls all over the centrepage. Several big colour photographs of Modi. A fawning eulogy on Modi's Amethi rallly, which reports people saying "sher aaya."The nadir of journalism. Mind you, this is a day before elections when canvassing has stopped.TOI earns its keep.These elections have exposed media for sure.To think that I have to pay for this issue. Yuck!!! — feeling sick.
May6th
Remembered reading in my school days, an essay by Nehru on his experiences of a lathi charge during British Raj. Today, the grand old party, the Congress, under the leadership of his great grand children, is orchestrating attacks on unarmed, peaceful AAP workers, in Amethi, in a desperate bid to hold on to power. How ironical and how demonstrative of decay and degeneration in Indian politics ! And these worthies keep boasting of their glorious family history and sacrifices made while seeking votes! — feeling sick.
There is something known as the 100th monkey effect, in which an idea or behavior spreads rapidly amongst the population in an inexplicable manner, without visible means of communication, over vast areas. We had seen this in the 1977 elections, held with the Emergency imposed. Much had been made of how governance was wonderful under Emergency. A muzzled press, restrictions on people congregating, all opposition jailed or underground, TV (DD) airing only govt propaganda notwithstanding, Congress had suffered a crushing defeat. This effect might be visible in these elections. Hopefully.
May4th
My sudden strong interest in the political happenings of my country, has surprised me most of all. I've been apathetic for so many decades.The last political event which had captured my imagination was the short lived post emergency euphoria in 1977. I was all of seventeen then. Now, I can attribute my fascination with politics to the advent of AAP juxtaposed with the build up of the larger than life Modi persona.They are a study in contrast. I am surprised by the strength of my opinions and the feelings aroused. I find myself involved in passionate arguments and debates. In the past month, I have lost a couple of friends and have gained many. The new ones are more in sync with my bent of mind. In my newly formed political identity, I find fresh insights to myself as a person. I find myself strongly outraged by many of the things I see, for example a biased media, use of communal divisiveness for gaining votes, blatant display of money and muscle power, contempt for minorities of all kinds and the 'weaker' gender. I find my affinity for AAP and my great respect for Arvind Kejriwal go much deeper than mere political affiliation. They exist because AAP's egalitarian, truly democratic outlook and its attempt to bring in clean politics resonate with my core values as a person. And so AAP's battle has become my battle and many others like me. I had read somewhere that a person's politics reveals their character. I find this to be true.
April 29th
Was surfing news channels yesterday evening and found that all but the two NDTV channels were showcasing Modi. The programs were not about work done or what he proposes to do but focused on building a personality cult based on eulogy. One program spoke of how the rest of the world was very unhappy with the rise of a 'strong' leader like Modi in India, and his security was a big concern. Kiran Bedi, one of the panelists, was very vocal on this. I could empathise with what a North Korean national must undergo on a daily basis, being force fed on the Supreme Leader Kim Jong Sun's propaganda.
April 27th
A supporter, who volunteered as a poll booth agent for AAP in Bangalore, said that many people came up to him and said they support AAP but this time they are going with the 'majority' or BJP. This is how a biased media subverts and undermines the democratic process. The whole media, blaring under the Rs.5000 crore (estimated BJP expenditure on advertising) onslaught, had already declared BJP as the majority even before a single vote had been cast in this vast nation of ours. How can we call ourselves a free nation when we do not have a free, impartial media?
Apr23rd
Ever since I began demonstrating my strong support for AAP, I have lost a few friends. One friend began sending me virulent anti AAP email forwards and on my protesting, snapped contact. I sense anger in them, a strong resistance to the idea of AAP. They keep harping on the same few points, of AK being a deserter in Delhi, AAP being a Congress/BJP B team and no amount of explaining makes a difference. I find it intriguing. What is this resistance really against? Maybe, over the years, we have come to accept the reality of pervasive corruption around us and have adapted ourselves to it.Hence the idea of fighting it, doing something about it means changing our own entrenched thought and behavior patterns. Change is always painful, even if its for the better. Maybe AAP is showing us the mirror and we do not like what we see in it.
I also think of MK Gandhi, who evoked similar strong sentiments, in favour
and against. This world has either killed or punished severely all those who were pioneers of significant change from entrenched patterns. Examples are many.
Apr 16th
My husband, a BJP or rather Modi supporter keeps telling me AAP will lose so why am I supporting a losing party. I tell him AAP is not just about losing or winning though of course we'll be thrilled to win as many seats as possible. AAP is about an idea whose time has come. When I hear people saying AAP can never form a Govt at the centre, I remember that AAP is just one year old and for it to be seen as a pan national party is in itself, no mean achievement. AAP is here for systemic change and not just a change of power. That takes time to sink in and grow roots. But the awareness is happening and is very visible in the heated debates happening in every home, office, street corner. These elections are the most exciting ever and would that have possible without AAP on the scene? Questions about crony capitalism, criminal candidates and corruption are now being asked all over the country. Way to go India ! Bravo AAP!
Apr 10th
And so I walked down the street, on my way to my assigned spot in the AAP human chain. Wearing my AAP topi, feeling self conscious, unsure, wearing my political identity openly on the street, first time ever. It was heavy traffic time with officegoers, children going to school. I stood there, waving my flag, saying nothing, looking at people in buses, cars, bikes. There were curious stares, hesitant smiles, derisive smiles, wide grins, thumbs up signs, indifferent looks. A woman passing by, said "Good!" After some time, l began smiling and waving at people. Some responded. A man laughed and said "You are all mental!" I laughed too and said"Great!" Another AAP volunteer joined me with pamphlets and topis.A friend came up and asked me" Since when did this 'bhoot' sit on your head? You and politics?"I said,"Yes, I am in politics and this is about chasing bhoots away!" People came up and asked for topis. Some asked for pamphlets. By 11 AM, we gave away the last topi and pamphlet. I walked back home and this time I was not self conscious. I felt proud of my AAP topi, satisfied that I have done my bit to clean up the dirt in politics and am definitely game for more such campaigns. AAP zindabad !
April10th

These elections are interesting in many ways. One thing which fascinates me is that two of the major contenders are such polar opposites. Modi stands for centralized power. He says that every vote for his party is a vote for him. He is bigger than his party, bigger than its ideology. Modi is the sarkar which will single handedly take India to glory days This for me, symbolizes the 'I, Me, Myself' , the 'self aggrandisement' mindset so prevalent these days.
The other candidate Arvind Kejriwal, stands for decentralization of power. He believes in referendums, that the power should be given back to the people by making gram sabhas, mohalla sabhas. Citizens are capable of taking good decisions for themselves. He speaks of aam aadmi sarkar. His message is to vote for good candidates and send them to the parliament, from whichever party they may be. This is a new idea, a new mindset.
Let's see what India is ready for. Lets see what India chooses.
Apr9th
Venkatraman Balakrishnan AAP candidate from Central Bangalore recently visited my apartment complex. On seeing my photo with him , my cousin enquired whether I am becoming a politician soon. A few months ago, my answer would have been an aghast 'NO!" Today, I replied, "Who knows? One can never say!"So Modi says every vote for BJP is a vote for him. So vote for the BJP candidate with your eyes shut. It does not matter whether he/she is totally inefficient, corrupt or criminal. 48% of BJP candidates are tainted anyway. You just vote for Modi. What happens to the local governance? What happens to the sadak, bijli, pani in your constituency, the availability of ration in the ration shops? Isn't your local MP accountable , responsible in any way?But do not worry. Modi, the superman, the one man army will manage everything just fine from the centre. Har har Modi !

This is blatant subversion, a mockery of the democratic process by a man who does not think twice about twisting the rules to serve his ambition. Venkatraman Balakrishnan the AAP candidate from Bangalore Central said that even if the country shows a 15% growth rate, the ground reality, our daily woes will not change because 80% of government spending is eaten away in corruption. So its imperative for parties to field good, clean candidates and for voters to vote them into power. Only if the intention is clean can we have good clean efficient governance.
As a voter my vote goes to the best candidate in my constituency.That is my responsibility, my duty to the country. That is true democracy.

Apr6th

With the advent of AAP and after meeting Bala, politics is no longer a dirty word for me. My political identity is now an important part of who I am. Its the means by which I can ensure a better future for myself and my country. The change is here. AAP Zindabad!

Apr4

CIA/Pakistani agent OR dangerous anarchist OR bhagoda(runaway) OR dharnawala OR....
Why do I support Arvind Kejriwal?
He is obviously not a statesman, a 'seasoned' politician. I see in him a common man like me and yet someone who has a backbone. A strong one. He does not sit back and blame the system for being rotten. He wants to do something about it.
He had a IIT degree and worked in the IRS. He had a family to look after. He could have minted money and led a cushy life. But he wanted to do something for the country. He has a 12 year strong track record in social work to show for it. I see determination and strong, clear intention.
He is fearless in raising his voice against people in powerful places, against the wrongs he sees.
He has the courage to take on the lion in his den and to face him in a public debate. Success failure be damned. Even if he 'loses' this battle, I know that the war will go on.
I support him because in him I see the change I want to see in myself and around me.
And now, if I don't raise my voice and join it with his, I may never hear such a voice again.

March 31

Yesterday, my husband's mama and mami came visiting. Both retired professionals, in their early seventies. The conversation was flowing along predictable lines, weather, food, ailments and so on, when it came up that mama was an ardent AAP supporter. So am I, I said. The conversation really hotted up after that as mama turned out to be a veritable storehouse of info on AAP. He has contributed 5 thousand rupees to AAP, he proudly informed me. We happily discussed the merits and demerits of AAP candidates and their opponents and the various controversies while my husband , a NaMo supporter watched more or less mutely.When the talk turned to the battle at Varanasi, mama said to me wistfully," Wouldn't it be great if we both could go there? We could get AAP some votes in the Bengali Tola."I sighed wistfully too. After they left, the debate on NaMo vs AK between my husband and me continued late into the night. A few months ago, all of us were politically apathetic, hopeless, disillusioned with the system. Now we are involved, interested, concerned. No matter, how many seats AAP wins or loses, the change is already here.

March28

Birth And Death

A door called birth and a door called death. And in between a passage. Beyond them, burns an inextinguishable fire, the eternal source of all life. I arise from this fire and choosing a mask for myself, enter the door of birth. I walk the passage, wearing my mask with my co travelers, wearing masks of their choosing. Lost in the stories of our masks, we give and take lessons from one another. And then, one day, I reach the door of death. The mask is pulled away. I see the fire, know my truth. I take stock of what I learnt and what I need to learn. I choose a mask once more and walk towards the door of birth.The Eternal Jester watches, cries and laughs.

Home

I seek home and no, the one made of bricks and mortar does not suffice. I seek space in another's soul, where I can be me, without fear. Where, without conditions, I shall be accepted, valued and loved as I am.This is such a thirst in every heart and drives one from door to door. And when I do not find succor, I slam doors shut in desolate despair. Like the musk deer, I do not realise, that the fragrance I seek, rises from me. That if I can accept my own self, I'll be my own sanctuary.

A Woman's Life

When I was about seventeen, an older male cousin sagely told me that a woman's life is a painful one. The statement had perplexed me, I recall, for then I did not really have any reason for viewing my life significantly different from a man's. Now, several decades later, I remember what he said and take stock. Yes, my life did have pain. I went through the pain of moulding myself to suit others and lost myself, in a way. But then, on the path to rediscovery, I realized that in order to really find oneself, losing is an essential prerequisite.I have felt like a lesser human at times, but that has taught me not to see anyone else as such. I went through physical and emotional rigours of child bearing and rearing and found that it connects me deeply to another human being and to my own empathetic self in a way, not possible for a man to experience. I went through the pain of letting go the ones I loved so much and experienced the fact that love does not diminish on doing so but rather acquires new dimensions, expanding, growing wings.Yes, a woman's life has pain. But this pain connects me to life's essence. I find myself blessed.

A Visit And Some Questions

What is disability really? And who are the so called 'able' or 'normal' ? I wondered when I reached the campus of "The Friends Of Camphill India". This is a residential community which houses twenty four adults with mental disabilities. When I reached there with my friends, they came up to us, in joyous welcome. A woman came up to me, looked into my eyes, hugged me and pinched my cheek. And when startled, moved and somewhat overwhelmed, I asked her name, she gave me a look, a trifle sad and disappointed and walked off. Disabled? Who? I, with my thousand barriers to love, with my conditioned need for labels like names and so on or she who could hug and love a stranger without qualms?

This question rose again and again in my mind. I saw A sitting there, severely autistic, his body moving, his hands dancing to the beat of a music, only he could hear. Abnormal ? Disabled ? Or is it that he lives a different reality, his experience of the world is different from mine ? Regardless of their chronological age, they were all children. They all had the unguarded eyes and pure smiles of children. No walls, no pretensions, their anger real, their hurt real, their love real. And we, the supposedly normal, find that  hard to comprehend and so we label them abnormal. But the truth is that each of us sees the world differently and has his/her own unique relationship with the world.

Francis Aradhya, a woman of Dutch origin, who has been running the place for the last fifteen years, along with her Indian husband, Ananta and three children, has interesting views. She calls her wards 'special friends'. And she does not believe in a 'mainstream' life, where all those who are apparently different, those who do not fit in with the norms, are sidelined. She describes them as those who have come with a special destiny, a difficult destiny. And with their presence they help others around them to see, experience and know themselves. She spoke of life as a circle rather than a linear flow, which is inclusive of every human being as all  behavior is legitimate human behavior. Its a part of vast spectrum of humanity. There is nothing 'abnormal' really. 

It makes complete sense to me. This is the truest form of egalitarianism. I saw it in practice yesterday and felt moved and privileged.

The community has volunteers, co-workers living along with the special friends. They grow fruits and vegetables in their organic farm, work in workshops , do the household chores together. They have a bio dynamic plant and solar power.

I saw how a spiritual approach to life can blend and operate wonderfully with the material one.

Do visit them sometime. It will make your world bigger and better. I can vouch for that.

Friends of Camphill India

https://www.facebook.com/friendsofcamphillindia

Take Care Woman !

Your son loved the fish curry and so you give him that extra piece of fish. Never mind that it came from your share. That is what women are conditioned to do. Think of others. Take care of them. Put yourself, your desires, your happiness last. Adapt, adjust, please as that makes your woman's life worthwhile. This is so ingrained and you do it over and over, again and again. And you never think of the soft being who lives inside you, who feels unimportant, neglected, deprived. Till one day, over some supposedly trivial issue, you erupt in anger.
And for this, you are labelled overly emotional, unpredictable, irrational. You buy that and feel guilty. No one, not even you, sees what lies behind that so-called
tantrum.The mountain of hurt that you caused yourself because you ignored your own feelings.Women, what you want and feel is important and if you don't see it, no one else will. You have so much love and care to give others but please begin with your own self.You are the nurturer. Nurture yourself.

On Suffering And Survival

Last week, the impoverished mother of a seriously ill child, said to me that God should be careful when he gives sorrow. He should not give so much that the person dies, crushed under the weight. I remember her words and think of suffering. It seems to be pretty much all pervasive. We also seem to have an innate ability of creating it when its not there. Is there an upper limit to how much a human can tolerate? Looking at the history of mankind, I would think not. Humans have gone through horrendous sufferings, natural and man-made like holocausts, pogroms and yet survived to tell the tale. And many have emerged from it, purified, transformed, elevated. The human spirit can endure and transcend whatever is thrown at it. And this gives me hope as I am made of the same spirit.

Musings On Death

Musing on death as someone I knew, died today. Death had not come easy to him. He had faced the debilitating cruelty of aging, the sapping of strength, mobility, memory. An inexorable fading away, slow but sure. His shell lay there, the empty body, while his spouse of many decades, reminisced, sobbing and smiling alternatively, weaving between memories of the past and loss in the present. His children, busy making arrangements had no time to grieve. People coming and going, phones being worked, rounds of coffee being provided by the neighbours, I watched life swirl around death. He looked incongruous lying there. Still, pale, motionlessness in sharp contrast to the bustle around him. The warrior had left, his battle done. His wife told me that for the last one month, he had only spoken of his parents and siblings who had passed on. He had not recognized any of the living.
They say, there is no type of wood which does not finally burn. I think of the fire which is inherent in wood.This fire which flares, smoulders and burns to ashes.The outer burning is merely a ritual.

*************

Fading eyesight, greying hair, creaking joints, wrinkling skin, vanishing memory. Death is not an unwelcome visitor. It cohabits with life. I had attended once, a session by a Buddhist monk on death absorption meditation. Birth is the manifestation of the five elements - earth, water, fire, air, ether from the heart centre as the body with its various systems(circulatory-water, digestive-fire, respiratory-air, ether-mind). Death is the absorption of these into the heart centre. Aging is nothing but the gradual absorption of elements. Disease only hastens the process. Dying is as ongoing, as natural a process as living.